Could it be true? Miami Commissioner Joe Carollo says he’s done with politics

Is it our birthday? Did Christmas come early? What did we do to deserve this gift from God?
After four decades of drama, lawsuits, late-night stalking and public tirades that made Miami politics look like a telenovela written by Kafka, City Commissioner Joe Carollo, who just placed fourth in the mayoral race Tuesday and missed the runoff, says he’s finally retiring from elected office. He’s going to his long-awaited Shangri-la — whatever form that takes for him.
Yes, that Joe Carollo. Crazy Joe. The man who sued the police union, feuded with his own city manager, and cost taxpayers $63 million for what a jury called political retaliation. The man who’s been haunting City Hall longer than the asbestos.
“It’s the first day of my life. My future life,” Carollo told the Miami Herald the morning after finishing with just over 11% in a field of 13 candidates. Miami-Dade Commissioner Eileen Higgins and former City Manager Emilio González — who Carollo basically forced to resign in January of 2020 — made the runoff.
“I’m 70 years old. I’m not going to be doing this again,” Carollo told the city’s daily.
Ladra doesn’t usually cry tears of joy, but today she got close.
It’s the end of an era — or maybe the end of an error. Carollo, Miami’s favorite chaos agent, was first elected in 1979, back when Miami Vice wasn’t even on TV yet. He went from commissioner to mayor in the ’90s, got booted out in 2001, and then, like a bad sequel, returned in 2017 to “save” the city again. Over the years, he’s been the protagonist, the villain, and the comic relief — often all at once.
Read related: Commissioner Joe Carollo: Miami’s favorite chaos agent runs for mayor
And now, after losing the mayoral race to Higgins and González — who head to a December 9 runoff — he says he’s done. For reals this time.
“I’m not going to run for office,” he told the paper, “but I’m going to be involved in different ways at different levels.”
Translation: don’t exhale just yet.
Because if there’s one thing Joe Carollo loves more than microphones, it’s revenge. And he’s still got a few commission meetings left before he packs up his paranoia and his parking pass. Plus, his little brother Frank is in a December runoff for Joe’s District 3 seat against Rolando Escalona — the Sexy Fish guy. So there’s still time for a little more family drama before the final curtain.
He may also still have a stash of cash in his political action committee, Miami First, raised almost $1.4 million just this year through Sept. 30. Sure, some of it was spent on the special D4 race getting Ralph Rosado elected. But as of the end of the third quarter, he still had about $820,000. It’s unlikely he spent it all on his terrible mayoral campaign — even though he sent out mailers practically every day to attack Gonzalez — but he could be providing himself with kickbacks for advertising or paying himself for data.
It’s still likely he will stay involved in trying to control things from the outside. He’s 70, but he still has a lot of fire in his belly. Ladra wonders if he’ll go back to the morning radio show he did on AmericaRadio before the campaign. You know, the one he used to attack his political enemies and other foes, real or imagined.
Read related: Commissioner Joe Carollo freelances as ‘Miami Al Dia’ morning AM radio host
Carollo surprisingly answered the phone when Ladra called, but he kept interrupting with questions about my marriage, suggesting that my ex husband was a Cuban spy and making other comments about my love life that are really inappropriate and show the kind of person he is, while someone laughed in the background. They sounded drunk, but Ladra doesn’t know if Joe drinks. He said he had all kinds of information on me, like that’s frightening or something. I’m an open book.
But let’s take a moment to savor this historic Miami miracle anyway. After decades of blaming everyone else — from the media to chavista money laundering and other imaginary conspiracies — Joe Carollo finally told the Herald the words everyone has wanted to hear: “You can’t blame me for anything anymore.”
Oh, Joe. Somehow, Ladra is certain that we can. You are still to blame for the millions in legal fees that the taxpayers have spent to defend the indefensible. You are still to blame for the countless of lives you altered with your streak for revenge. And you are still to blame for creating a culture of fear from weaponized government.
And, let’s face it, we’re all afraid you’re not really done.
But if it’s true, if this really is your swan song… then all Ladra can say is hallelujah and pass the cafecito.
Because after 46 years, Miami might finally get a break from the chaos — and a little peace at City Hall.

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